Sitting at home, bemoaning the fact that no work can be done in my studio while a storm rages on outside, I was in a funk about what to do! With nothing for my hands to do, I tend to ruminate on things I have little control over. Right now decision time approaches for several things at once but I don't have all the information I need to make these kinds of choices yet and it's driving me crazy!
Then the sun broke through and I thought a run would do me good.
I have not done any running since last summer when my goal was to train at least once a week until I could finally make it all the way around the lake without stopping (about 5K). I never made it all the way without walking at least a part. So this was my first time out in quite a while and I forgot to stretch or drink a glass of water before going. I was just so excited the sun had appeared it was like my legs belonged to a wild horse.
As I got going I kept thinking about all that has been weighing on my mind; do I go with this or do I do that? Do I spend the money? Do I forego the experience? Do I focus on this or redirect my energies to that?
Oh, and the winds! Leaping across perfect mirrors of the blinding sky I went with the wind at my back and a song in my heart: always the same one, "I will go where the winds take me."
But I knew that as I turned round the lake the winds would be against me when I was most tired and ready to quit. That's when I decided to make this run a metaphor. If I could stick it out when I knew I would be dying to quit, then I could do anything- and everything.
Well! the things one can learn about one's self when comparing the success of a career to the ability to continue running through side aches, loss of breath, leg cramps, pounding head and desperate thirst.
If it was just a run, like oft' times before, I would have stopped at the half way mark to drink from the fountain and probably would have walked the rest of the way. Since it was not just a run but my ability to tackle what I most dread in life, of course I kept going. The interesting thing is what your mind will do to convince you to take the easy way out. I suppose there was some evolutional advantage for monkey brains to be persuaded to do the easiest thing. Go along with what the body tells you, don't do anything that takes more effort than it needs. There is sense in that. But we evolved because some monkeys chose to go out on a limb, sometimes literally, and do something extra-ordinary. If we can't choose to be more than that, if we can't take our own direction in life rather than let our impulses decide, then we'll never be more than monkeys will we?
I saw all of my usual excuses parade before me, trying to convince me to stop because my body was in pain. I know I will face these excuses again some day for other reasons. They will show up when things become hard to handle, or when I'm depressed, or bored, or distracted. I wanted to face them today before making my big decisions so that I know who to expect as I face challenges in the future. And I absolutely had to know how I will deal with them.
So did I make it all the way around the lake without stopping? For an answer I will tell you that I've made my decisions, and I Will Go.
